On Thursday February 19, 2009 at 5:00 pm CST. I tried to end my own life. I took approximately 20 mg of valium and between 100 and 300 mg of morphine. Some of you received a goodbye message from me at that time.
At 6pm I was in the emergency room at St Johns Mercy Medical Center being treated for the overdose and admitted into the psych program for evaluation.
The odd thing was the fact that NONE of the morphine showed up in any of my bloodwork.
I spent the night in the hospital and after talking with the Psychiatrist on friday i was allowed to come home. For the last few days I have been sleeping and trying to work all the crap out of my system and keep focused on keeping myself together while things have not changed at all here.
My problems are: I have a 16 year old bipolar child who is non responcive to anything i have tried to do to help her, and as far as i can tell she gives two shits about anything other than herself. Yes I am bitter and angry about this because i bend over backwards to help her and feel like I am shit on at every turn. Thus part of my feeling of hopelessness thrusday when i decided to take the pills.
part 2. i have a husband who is disabled and has been at home bitter and depressed since he left his job 2 years ago. He is also completely self absorbed (at least Mimi comes by it honestly) and cannot understand why I cannot and will not open up to him. I guess i got tired of trying to talk to him and everything getting turned around to be a pity party for him, or turned around to be about something he wanted to talk about or whatever the case was. I just feel like he would rather talk about his stupid electronics than really give a damn about how I am doing/feeling.
I have tried to run away into my new job but that is only making things worse here at home because I cannot keep the house up and work as much as i was before without making my depression even worse.
So in a nutshell. I am depressed. Yes I know I need help. No I do not want to sob on amy of y friends shoulders, and no I am not going to try to kill myself again. Apparently even when i do want to die Creator will not let me excape this shit and keeps me here.
Yea I sound and feel bitter, sorry if i am tired of being second fiddle to the husband and kids, sorry i an sick of pushing all my dreams, homes and hell even thoughts aside to help boost their egos, and keep them going.
So here is my little rant. I tried to kill myself, cannot even do that right, so i sit here and listen to Jim go on and on about his stupid boards to repair and listen to him groan and complain about his pain that i cannot help with and slip deeper and deeper into this hole that is my heart.
Gee bright and cheery isnt it. Well I am going to go do the one thing I can do to even remotely excape from all of this. I am going to go back to sleep for a while.
I love you all and I am sorry I scared you.
